No other adult would be here. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. Theres just no way, you see, that this is what a womans mind does, what she is for. Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. 14 "It was a riot! Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. Assholes. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) ME: Great! 2. Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. As a lot of commenters have pointed out what are you doing this weekend can be asked in a variety of contexts with a variety of motives BUT one thing that has tended to work well for me is to just pick one thing Im to talk about without mentioning when it is: Im looking forward to my birdwatching class! or Partner and I are going on a hike! and then asking about their weekend. What about you? Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?. "Weekends are days to refuel your soul and to be grateful for the blessings that you have." - Anonymous 2.
200 Best Sarcastic Quotes and Funny Sarcasm Sayings - Parade You have actually internalized a very common social rule. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. The only exceptions are: 1. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? Why not be honest? But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. Indoor Cat says feeling unsafe would have been the most damaging to her relationships with her parents long term. Obviously Im talking here about people Im friendly with, not friend-friends, but I cant imagine having got to the stage of being friends with someone who was inclined to rebuff me expressing interest in their life. You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. Any fun plans? Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. My Kid: No (shuts door again) Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. Weekend gone! why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. Whaaaaaat. (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. And part of why Im asking is because maybe you just havent thought about it in those terms. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. Can you do me a favor? Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. Im glad youre no longer friends with that jerk. Im planning an event on Day, are you free? You can do it as far as you can. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). Its just small talk! The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. What is the stuff?? Hence the claim some of your time, or even the if youre available as a way to say, you have to have solid plans if youre going to tell me no; you cant just say you dont want to do it.. Now shes supposed to go on a date with me if I ask for one!. This one is a bit tricky for me. Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. This is true, but it will almost certainly come with a cost. Me: No can do. Its a little involved because Mittens needs daily collagen injections and also shes doing primal scream therapy.
Five Questions You Can Ask Instead Of 'How Are You?' - Forbes I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. 1. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. I know it is super common usage as a general term for silly / disorganised but its actually an ablist term which a lot of people with disabilities have had thrown at them as a slur. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun The comment is sometimes a small talk, meant to affirm that we like seeing each other, and sometimes a prequel to an invitation. That is AMAZING and I love Gladys (and you) and that is going directly into my repertoire for Dealing With Those Extroverts. I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. Its not an actual request for information, its a greeting and acknowledgement of each others existence. Man, that sounds great, but I know Im forgetting something on my calendar. heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. Tomorrow is the weekend! I find myself physically unable of disturbing her. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. That would create some damage. So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. Also, the teachers here will not do your homework for you. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? The fallout you talk about? (I am also not her only parent, so I dont get to act unilaterally. See how thats all about you, and your kids, and not at all about her? He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. Her Kid: are you ready to come to school? My go-to refusal of any invitation is I have other plans, and nobody needs to know whether my other plans are a work thing I cant get out of or a fun evening out or painting my toenails in front of Netflix. I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend. If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! Him: You must be doing something. If you want! And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. I am admittedly very sensitive to potential power issues, so I have a hard time seeing when theyre really there and when Im just reacting as though they are. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! Like "How are you?" can be asked formally and informally, the response of that can be a unique one, too. I Hope You. Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. 4. You (if you are not up for it, whether the reason is actual business or not wanting to at all) oh, I wish I could I completely get anything to do with joint maintenance of shared space responsibilities for shared spaces need to be clearly shared out and individuals need to do their share. That being said, in a couple of guys Ive dated in the last few years, Ive been amazed at how fast and how almost without me noticing they can go from planning and executing dates very well to somehow only being able to function if Im doing it. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. If someone asked why I was asking such a nosy question, I would apology-barf all over them, then call my wife, my mother, and my best friend and ask them what I was supposed to do instead. Agreed I dont think that the question signals the other person should do all the planning, i think its a way to judge how willing and able they are to hang out sometime in the immediate future. Its tiring. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. And that goes triple if youre less privileged.
What Are You Doing This Weekend? - The Return of the Modern Philosopher I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. All right, good, fine, grand are the normal answers, and then its repeated back. Rather than rushing to respond, taking the time to understand what they mean can improve the quality of your response. Weekend is like God's blessing! This is my reaction. Nothing much. (To the point where one of my coworkers will sometimes ask What are you doing this weekend? I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. I didnt feel like talking to her much for several months. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. Im not talking about not dealing with this. Because people look forward to the weekend, they often start talking about it as early as Wednesday. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. Theyre so nice and interested, they cant possibly be racist/microaggressive! Me: yes! or no, sorry. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. Folding the dishes. Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. I think the reason is that telling people about fun things is potentially fairly personal. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit.