husband doesn t want to go on family vacation husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. Is a 4 day trip to Vegas worth loosing a 10 yrs relationship. hahahah! Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. Why do you feel this way?. In many cities, there are few or no options to indulge in these vices, certainly not legally! That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. Some things are objectively controlling behaviours though. Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Hes not Master of the House. Also have casinos on boats. You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. Main Menu If you dont trust me, and I have not given you reason not to, were done. Might need to go back. Yes, this. I agree with this- even if she were able to somehow get out of the trip without professional repercussions, Im quite sure he would find something else to stress about and restrict her from owing to these kinds of irrational fears. I dont even know what city he is in sometimes just because he will tell me about five trips at once and I cannot remember which is what week. One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. But to throw the baby out with the bath water is beyond ridiculous. She should get out while she can, even if she has children. Dont get hit by a car!! Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . my husband doesn't want me to go on a business trip to Vegas And thats Congo. My feeling is that hes coming up with post-facto, emotionally triggering justifications for something that has absolutely no basis in any rational apprehension of reality. Thank you for sharing your story withus this iswhat weve come upwith: How would you react ifyou were inMayas shoes? etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. I do think its a leap to assume the husbands anxiety is the kind you get in GAD, but basically the comments are full of armchair diagnoses and I was exasperated. He mad at my company and questions the motives. Doyou have any tips onbuilding trust, friendship, and respect with your partners family? Being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk.. Never! Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. Husband needs to chill, big time. Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. Going to the store and picking out our own groceries is the easiest thing in the world for us. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. Im trying not to bring up the topic for awhile till he meets with a counselor individually or together. That doesnt strike me as weird at all. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. My jaw literally dropped. Same here. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. but it was the backbone of learning to manage anxiety. I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. Its just easier to non-committally agree with someone, especially when their view is bananas, than to get into a row with them and get involved in their marital issues. we can all agree that either way, Husband isnt likely to change his behaviour without some outside intervention, so I do hope that counselling is an option for them. At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. There doesnt seem to be a whole lot of recognition of either here. This is WAAAY different than not having a closed door meeting with a member of the opposite sex, though. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. Of course, it also relates to what the right wing media say, and its super-hard to tackle. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. You can add it up to four. (Be prepared to be as fair-minded when it is your . July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . Unless youre her son. We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. Possibly the same people who dont think they should ever be in a one-on-one meeting or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. It IS super pricey though!! Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. OP, this is HIS issue, not yours. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. I have to remind myself of that sometimes; I think you should remind yourself that too. Its fine. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation I dont worry about it because why would i? When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. Huh. Divorce is a valid option, if you choose to go down that road. One of our Bright Side readers sent us an e-mail pouring her heart out about a tricky situation she's going through. There are so many things that could be gong on here. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). Sometimes, well even travel to the same city together, but then spit up and hang out with two completely separate groups of friends. Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. Shes very, very conservative Christian, as is her husband. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. And in the second place, theres definitely nothing that conflicts with the fact that surveying ones friends is not a great way to navigate ones marriage. Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. She and I have spoken about it, in part because I travel without my husband a lot, including to family stuff. As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. (Note: relationship = 3-4 months of long-distance dating, which I quickly realized was a Bad Idea.) Its like the person who tried to quit, and their boss polls the other managers and then tells employee that the other managers all agree, employee does not have a good enough reason to quit. Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. Shes gone twice now and all they do is drink and gamble! And that now his family isdisappointed inme. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. But its a pretty serious one-off. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. I remember when I was young, if my mom went out to run errands and said shed be back at 4 and it was 4:15 I would panic. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? And, damn, every time I hear about kidnapping, it seems to be in Ohio or Mississippi, not places considered hotbeds of crime in US pop culture. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. Instead, things got worse. There were also a TGI Fridays, a Hard Rock Cafe and a Coldstone Creamery. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Im sorry, Im not trying to be a jerk, but if you dont think theres anything unwholesome about prostitution (direct quote) I think you may be a cultural outlier. Thats even better than the Seinfeld episode where Georges girlfriend refuses to accept his decision to break up with her! Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. My own husband went to Vegas for a conference a few years ago. I worry about things constantly. Pretty much. On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. A little bit, mostly to servers who thought I might be lonely and often came over to chat while I was having dinner. (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. Whatever the cause, a therapist will best equipped to help. And hiking! Everybody is in agreement! Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. But he is controlling. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. Id dump him. My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. In my family its my mother (yay genetics! I was admittedly super jealous when Booth got to go to Orlando because Disney World is a lifelong obsession of mine, but I didnt beg him not to go, or tell him that all the other wives I spoke to wouldnt allow it . Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. I remember being like, What would I even DO with all this space? ha! At that point, the OP has some really solid information far more useful and on point than anything that the internet commentariate can provide her. Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . The kidnapping angle *might make sense if it wasnt Vegas but, say, Tijuana. vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. But in her mind, as another comment perfectly said, as soon as the sun sets, everyone is a drunk driving, human trafficking, drug kingpin. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. I know that you arent the one with the issue, but just letting you know. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). Never mind that this area was completely safe and middle-class; never mind that the apartment complex had 24-hour security; gated parking; never mind that this Mexican restaurant is not a whole in the wall, is regularly featured on Food Network, and is a regular spot for bringing out-of-town clients for virtually every company in our city. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. Its like the least romantic version of the old I wore her down until she agreed to go on a date, and now weve been married for 30 years trope. And shes the main provider in the family? If something was going to happen to you, it could be anywhere. Hang up the phone, turn it off, walk out of the room, leave the house and walk the dog or go for a drive, stop and get yourself a meal out somewhere. Besides, the OP is going to spend most of her time in a conference room that looks like every other conference room in the western world, anyway. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family Honestly, corporate meetings in Vegas are not the sexfests people think they are. I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. It was still broad daylight, and I was with a group of fellow students. Women will agree with a spouse to avoid conflict. According to my in-laws, any apartment within walking distance of a Mexican restaurant had to be in a horrible and crime-infested part of town. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! Vegas is an extremely popular destination for conferences and business trips. She has mentioned it makes her sad, but she takes the obey part of her vows very seriously. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. She Won't Tell Her Husband the Gender of Their Baby Because He Refused And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. I have some of this kind of anxiety myself and totally understand where your wife is coming from. His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. But you dont get to be irrational all over someone else without consequence. Thats fine! Oh dear. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. (And yes, counseling 100%, do ASAP since whatever the underlying cause is, not likely to just disappear. Having a neutral third party is really useful. I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. Do the counseling (alone or with him.) Honestly, given his insistence that your company is basically trying to ruin your marriage by sending you on a business trip and the tenor of the conversations hes had with others about allowing you to do your damn job, my gut screams traditionalist underachieving man threatened by successful wife. But I suspect if I went for leisure, Id be bored out of my ever-loving mind. i went away for a few days for work, but had some cool stories to come home with. In either case, I should have ended it. or even where to eat dinner. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. I agree. Maybe his friends dont work either and are supported by their wives. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. That said, Id say go on the trip, because I dont think you should pander to his lack of trust in you. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. Youll be so exhausted from your meetings all youll want to do is get dinner and go to sleep! Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. Lots to see and do. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. I think the reputation itself also makes people think its okay to act more crazy than they might. M.M. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. I travel for work a lot, and quite often to Vegas people have conventions and meetings in Vegas because (1) the attendees generally like it and (2) there are a lot of hotels and meeting space. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. How entitled can someone be to think that their ex has to justify wanting to break up and have a good cause? The base issues came out to be general worrying about me travelling by myself (tons of catastrophic what if scenarios) and FOMO (shes having such a great time without me). There are a lot of factors that go into deciding where to hold tradeshows and conferences, and none of them have to do with facilitating people being unfaithful to their spouses. He has terrible night vision and shouldnt drive after sundown, and he is absent-minded and tends to forget to eat when hes working. I mean There isnta rash of kidnappings in Las Vegas, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is an advertising slogan forcollege students and weddingparties, not a warning to spousesof business travelers. Husband may be dealing with separation anxiety, and instead of communicating that, is using Las Vegas I dont think anyone is acting like they havent heard the reputation, were just saying its silly and outdated. Well, yeah, it has a bad rep, that they intentionally, though jokingly, promote with the What happens in Vegas and Sin City marketing campaigns. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. Since frankly the marriage is not healthy do not risk your career, which you need, for him. Thats a CA classic. It can feel very cruel to set boundaries and do what you need to do for yourself when it feels like your partner is suffering, but the accommodations are just very temporary band-aids. Youre going to DIE!. And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. Food! Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. Whats real is my wife is going for a walk in a safe area, shes smart and wouldnt put herself in danger, and the chances of anything happening to her are incredibly low. How Vacations Can Help or Harm Your Relationship I dont know, maybe other people are able to work through this kind of thing, but I couldnt. Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. Yeah, this. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. Like, people bring their own experiences to the table here, so might feel invalidated or defensive when its suggested its the other explanation. If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. I have no problem with him going to week-long management training or long weekends away for bachelor parties. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. If I squint really hard, I can kiiiinda see the objection to the first scenario (though still not really), but objecting to the second is very weird. And then he interprets the lack of disagreement as agreement. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. You really, really have no basis for this. If youre happier and more successful without him, and what he brings to the table isnt enough anymore, its okay to opt out. There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. I think. Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? The country really isnt so homogeneous on this kind of experience that you have to seek out people to agree with you on this no matter where you live. I also love Vegas. These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. We get to decide what level of irrationality we are willing to handle in a relationship and if its based in fear and being used to limit who you want to be, that just doesnt work. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. He was already in counselling and they focused on this issue for a while. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Plus, I like to travel so it was a good excuse. Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. He told me one day that the previous weekend, a few months before the upcoming wedding, his fiance broke up with him while they were sitting on the couch watching TV. You could talk tohim about why hedoesnt want you there and see ifthere are any issues that need toberesolved outside ofavacation setting, oryou could simply ask him ifhed like you togowith him next time. I thought his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. Op, your husband is out of line and sounds very insecure. Dont try totalk yourself into thinking that itdoesnt matter orthat they didnt mean anything byit. Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. Well there it is. And hes trying to sabotage your livelihood with his nonsense? Thats an unreasonable stance. Im familiar with the kind of irrational worst case scenario anxiety youre talking about. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Is that an issue as well? My answer to the two questions asked in the original post are: No, you wouldn't be a terrible husband to go on a trip with a group without her.